Friday, May 29, 2009


i've spent a lot of time in my head this week, despite the good weekend and the feeling better and good reports from dr. f.  i've found that spending time in your head is rarely profitable...especially after 9 or 10 at night.  but here i stay.  in there.  and i can't seem to get out.  

it's times like these that i cry out to God, pleading for mercy.  

sometimes i receive it.  

sometimes i choose not to.  

that word...choice.  it's such a hard word to wrap my head around.  i have a choice in my actions, in my words, in my thoughts.  i can choose to worry about my future.  i can choose to dwell on that person.  i can choose to be happy and remember how blessed i am and how well God is taking care of me...or i can choose to be discouraged in my circumstance.  

i find that if i listen closely in those times when i am crying out to God that He speaks.  not sometimes i wish He just would...but He speaks.  He speaks through His word in my time spent with Him at my desk in the morning before work.  He speaks through a word from a friend.  and He speaks to me through music.  

i have been particularly overwhelmed with my thoughts today and since i had a half day at work, i went for a walk through world market to try to clear my head.  as i walked through the aisles, not really paying attention to things that i picked up and looked at, i prayed for guidance, i prayed for mercy, and grace...and dangerously...a little patience.  :)  it doesn't matter what i'm dealing with...well it does.  but it's not necessary to disclose here.  and as i walked, i asked God to show me how He wanted me to act...and what He wanted for me.  in essence...i wanted to let Him know how much i want Him to be first and foremost in my mind and my life.  and how much i want Him to show through me.  i don't know what that looks like yet.  i'm still praying and crying even as i type this.  i had to leave world market and i drove quickly home to the sanctuary that is my apartment.  

i turned on my itunes and just sat for awhile and listened.  then worlds apart started.  jars of clay has long been a favorite band of mine...and this song has meant different things to me at different times in my life...but today it hit me particularly hard.  it is EXACTLY what i'm feeling.

take my world apart, God.  

this absolutely terrifies me!!!!!!!!!!!!  i long for control.  i want to know what is going to happen and when.  and i want it to be my way.  because i know best.  right?  yeah.  right.  

no i don't.  not at all.  

but He does.  

and i'm choosing what He wants.  i want to be willing to deal with whatever that is.  and have it play out in the way that He has chosen.  

so with a deep breath i say...

more and more I need you now,
I owe you more each passing hour
The battle between grace and pride
I gave up not so long ago
So steal my heart and take the pain
And wash the feet and cleanse my pride
Take the selfish, take the weak,
And all the things I cannot hide
Take the beauty, take my tears
The sin-soaked heart and make it yours
Take my world all apart
Take it now, take it now...

3 comments: said...

Choice. I love the point you made about it here.

I'm sorry you are hurting. Emotionally, but clearly very profoundly.

I am praying for you.


Casey said...

It's hard to put those emotions into words, but you did a fantastic job. I'm feeling the same way right now.

On a lighter note, your photos are fantastic! What kind of camera do you use? I'm in the market for a new one and could use all the pointers I can get.

It's nice to meet you, by the way! :)

Emily said...

That song has been my unspoken prayer many times. The words I couldn't find by myself were all right there in front of me. Well written song!