Tuesday, October 14, 2008

so i've not been very good at this game lately...

lots of things going on in my head and in my heart (yes, there is a difference)
i'm not sure how to put it all on paper...er...online.  some things i definitely don't want to share at all, and others are just too jumbled up right now to explain.  
i'm not sleeping...and when i do sleep, i'm having nightmares...
i'm anxious...
i'm a little crabby...however doing a very good job of keeping that inside.  
i wish the next week would just be over.  
you know that feeling when tears are at the back of your eyes, but they just won't spill over??  yeah...got that...

2 tests.  1 week.  
in fact, in 3 days, one will be over...in 6, both will be over.  
but i just feel like the rest of my life is at stake.  i know it's not true.  i can wait a year and retest.  i can try again...but do i want to do that??  NO WAY!!!
i've been a studying fiend, but this feeling of sure failure is in the back of my mind...taunting.  you aren't good enough.  you're going to fail.  you'll never get those 6 points you need to pass.  math and science have NEVER been your strengths.  give me spelling, english, reading...i'll ace it every time...but math...science... and i want to be a nurse...who am i kidding??
it sounds as if i've already given up.  i assure you i haven't.  i've just never worked this hard for anything.  never wanted it this bad.  
sounds stupid.  i know.  i'm so tired.


Emily said...

I've been gearing up for Sacred Romance next year already, so it's on my mind lately. I'd like to just remind you not to give in to the lies. You're good enough, you're smart enough, and gosh darnit. People like you!

You've been a studying fiend. You've done well in your classes. You're doing the best you can. You'll be great! There's not much more you can do to prepare and worrying isn't helping, so go take a deep breath and a bubble bath. Watch a movie, or read a book that's not considered studying! I have faith in you! You'll do great!

renee said...

:) thanks emily!